(Adapted from Gordon Neufeld, PhD) This is a tool that I provide for my clients to assist them in developing the ability to trust after trust has been broken. Trusting someone does not need to be a blind leap of faith, it is a calculated risk. These levels of attachment are ranked from the easiest to attain to the most difficult, the least risk to the most risk, and the least meaningful to the most meaningful. The levels are not as categorical as they appear, meaning that we fade from one into the next. We don’t snap from one level to one above or below, nor are these levels static. We are constantly moving up or down the ladder at all times, with everyone in our lives. In order to consistently move up the ladder, we must make an effort. Doing nothing does not result in staying where we are; it results in sliding down the ladder. The following is a brief description of each level. It is not an exhaustive or exclusive description. Use it as a guideline to determine where you are at with the people in your life. 1. Proximity Simply put, this refers to physical closeness. […]
Confirmation Bias
In the newest video uploaded to my videos page, there a is a demonstration of something called the hollow face phenomenon. It is quite remarkable to observe your own senses betraying you as you watch the video. THe hollow face phenomenon refers to the fact that the brain, when looking at the concave side of a mask, perceives it as convex because there are no people who actually have concave faces. The brain takes the sensory information that is presented to it and skews it to fit into the paradigm that it believes is possible, based on previous experiences. While this works on a sensory level (which is troubling enough for some people), it also occurs on a cognitive and emotional level. If our prior experiences in trusting people were negative (i.e. betrayal, abuse, neglect), then our brain comes to believe that this is the only (or at least most likely) expectation that is possible. It then selectively attends to events and experiences both past and present that are consistent with that expectation. This reinforces that filter and makes it more likely to selectively attend in the future. Not only that, but when things happen that cannot be ignored but […]
Skate and Learn
As I was approaching my 35th birthday, I happened to be exposed to a few videos on YouTube featuring skateboarders. For some reason, this seemed to stir something within me. When I was younger (much younger), I used to own a skateboard. I hesitate to describe myself as a skater because to me that would imply the possession of some talent when using the skateboard, which I had very little of. That didn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it though. Looking back on it now, I recognize one of the biggest limitations to my ability to develop any skill was my tendency to quit before I had started, owing to my ADHD, depression, and anxiety. However, now as an adult, with my ADHD more or less under control and the financial ability to be able to purchase a skateboard (why does being a counterculture rebel and sticking it to the man have to be so expensive?), the idea began to grow within my mind that I could get good at it. At first, I felt sheepish to admit that I wanted to start skateboarding at the age of 35 but then I put things in a social and historical context. […]
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