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Grieving Infidelity in Relationships
Grieving Infidelity in Relationships
In my last post I reviewed the five stages of grief as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross in her book “On Death and Dying. As I pointed out, while the stages of grief and loss were originally introduced to help people understand reactions to death, these stages are equally applicable to other forms of loss that may occur. In this post, I will focus specifically on the form of trauma and loss with which I am all too often asked to assist, that of infidelity in relationships. What is (In)Fidelity? The meaning of the word fidelity may be debated with regard to the line between acceptable and unacceptable behavior in relationships, but strictly speaking, fidelity is defined as “strict observance of promises and duties, loyalty, conjugal faithfulness, adherence to fact or detail, and accuracy or exactness.” As this definition shows, fidelity is multifaceted. Many times, disagreements and conflicts over fidelity within relationships are based on different values with regard to any one or more of these facets. However, typically when we refer to infidelity, we are referring to sexual or romantic interaction outside the bounds of the marriage or relationship to which one is expected to be committed. Infidelity has existed as long as values that promote fidelity have existed. It […]
Infidelity in Relationships: Understanding the Grieving Process (Part 1)
Elizabeth Kubler Ross, author of “On Death and Dying” was an instrumental figure in the understanding of the human experience of grief and loss. While her book focused on the grieving process in relation to mortality, the principles she outlined have since been applied to a wide-range of loss experiences. These may include the loss of health, the loss of opportunity, the loss of a job, the loss of a role or responsibility, the loss of identity, and a host of others. The grief and loss that I will be focusing on in this post and the next is the loss of fidelity. In other words, I am referring to the typical and predictable response to infidelity in a relationship. In this first post, I will outline the stages of grief of the Kubler-Ross Model and in the second post, I will apply these principles to the issue of infidelity specifically. By understanding the stages, or forms of grief outlined by Kubler-Ross, individuals may be able to recognize where their experiences be found along the continuum of typical responses to this form of tragedy. The Five Stages of Grief 1. Denial This is a state of emotional shock, wherein the […]
Levels of Attachment: Taking an Inventory of Your Relationships
(Adapted from Gordon Neufeld, PhD) This is a tool that I provide for my clients to assist them in developing the ability to trust after trust has been broken. Trusting someone does not need to be a blind leap of faith, it is a calculated risk. These levels of attachment are ranked from the easiest to attain to the most difficult, the least risk to the most risk, and the least meaningful to the most meaningful. The levels are not as categorical as they appear, meaning that we fade from one into the next. We don’t snap from one level to one above or below, nor are these levels static. We are constantly moving up or down the ladder at all times, with everyone in our lives. In order to consistently move up the ladder, we must make an effort. Doing nothing does not result in staying where we are; it results in sliding down the ladder. The following is a brief description of each level. It is not an exhaustive or exclusive description. Use it as a guideline to determine where you are at with the people in your life. 1. Proximity Simply put, this refers to physical closeness. […]
Confirmation Bias
In the newest video uploaded to my videos page, there a is a demonstration of something called the hollow face phenomenon. It is quite remarkable to observe your own senses betraying you as you watch the video. THe hollow face phenomenon refers to the fact that the brain, when looking at the concave side of a mask, perceives it as convex because there are no people who actually have concave faces. The brain takes the sensory information that is presented to it and skews it to fit into the paradigm that it believes is possible, based on previous experiences. While this works on a sensory level (which is troubling enough for some people), it also occurs on a cognitive and emotional level. If our prior experiences in trusting people were negative (i.e. betrayal, abuse, neglect), then our brain comes to believe that this is the only (or at least most likely) expectation that is possible. It then selectively attends to events and experiences both past and present that are consistent with that expectation. This reinforces that filter and makes it more likely to selectively attend in the future. Not only that, but when things happen that cannot be ignored but […]
Skate and Learn
As I was approaching my 35th birthday, I happened to be exposed to a few videos on YouTube featuring skateboarders. For some reason, this seemed to stir something within me. When I was younger (much younger), I used to own a skateboard. I hesitate to describe myself as a skater because to me that would imply the possession of some talent when using the skateboard, which I had very little of. That didn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy it though. Looking back on it now, I recognize one of the biggest limitations to my ability to develop any skill was my tendency to quit before I had started, owing to my ADHD, depression, and anxiety. However, now as an adult, with my ADHD more or less under control and the financial ability to be able to purchase a skateboard (why does being a counterculture rebel and sticking it to the man have to be so expensive?), the idea began to grow within my mind that I could get good at it. At first, I felt sheepish to admit that I wanted to start skateboarding at the age of 35 but then I put things in a social and historical context. […]
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Non-Conformists Unite!!!
Non-Conformists Unite!!!
Non-linear people in a linear world I used to teach a class called “Understanding Anger and Anxiety”. The class was quite lengthy, taking an entire day. While the class could be summed up in one simple sentence, “Anger is anxiety”, I invested several more hours so that that point would be fully understood and appreciated. I warned the class at the beginning that when I am trying to teach something important, I speak in concentric circles, working my way around the perimeter of the concept, introducing several threads that may at first appear to be unrelated, and then gradually narrowing in on the main point. In this way, they have the proper context for the final, parsimonious concept that I want them to walk away with. Despite this warning, it was obvious to me as the class proceeded that there were people who were having a hard time hanging in there with me as I wandered through philosophy, psychology, sociology, and neurophysiology. As we went around and around in circles talking about so many seemingly unrelated points, their eyes would glaze over. After the class, I sent out e-mails asking for feedback and there were a few people who gave […]
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How to Change The Past
How to Change The Past
One of the most frequently used lines of false consolation that I hear is “you can’t change the past”. Usually this bit of indispensable wisdom is offered as a word of advice when someone is describing the impact of some negative event from their history, something that they wish had never happened and often something that continues to affect them to this day. Of course, this advice and apparent statement of the obvious is rarely helpful, which is not surprising if we look at the gist of this rejoinder. Let’s say you run breathless to the neighbour’s house, pounding on the door. They open the door and ask what’s going on. You tell them that there’s been a terrible accident and you need them to call an ambulance because you think your brother is dead. I don’t think anyone would feel justified or even attempt to rationalize a response such as, “Well, it’s in the past. You can’t change the past. You just have to let it go and get over it.” We would expect that person to offer help, to repair whatever damage had been done, within reason and their capability. Of course we wouldn’t expect them to take […]
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