Assertiveness efore addressing how to increase assertiveness, it is helpful to clarify what we are talking about. Assertiveness is the middle ground between aggressiveness (attempting to dominate others) and passiveness (allowing yourself to be dominated). There are three elements of assertiveness. Self-Worth Worth of Others Putting Behavior in Context The first element is to have a healthy sense of self-worth. The degree to which you believe you are worth something is the degree to which you will believe that what you need is important. The second element is recognition of the worth of all people. Not the relative worth, but the fact that each person is worth something, simply because they exist. Worth is not dependent on appearance, behavior, or achievement. It is based simply on one’s existence. I am, therefore, I have worth. The third element of assertiveness is the ability to see behavior in context. If we are able to look past the immediacy of behavior, both the behavior of others and ourselves, we will be able to see the true, intended message of that behavior. We will be able to avoid having messages filtered through the experiences of our lives and those of others. The first two […]
Forgiveness
Many of us carry around unnecessary burdens. These burdens are often formed by resentments, which are in place due to past or present mistreatment. We seem to equate mistreatment with injustice. Without going into a long discussion of the payoff of holding on to our resentments and negative feelings, let us focus on what we might do to rid ourselves of the dark cloud that hangs over us from time to time. Imagine that you are in a lineup in a busy cafeteria. You are balancing your lunch tray precariously and watching out for all potential threats to its stability. Suddenly, the person behind you lurches into your back, causing your tray to tilt and its contents to spill across the floor. This is where things get interesting. You whirl around and are faced with one of two scenarios. In the first scenario, the person glares at you and it becomes clear that they intentionally caused you to spill your lunch. In the second scenario, they appear to be embarrassed and it becomes clear that they were pushed from behind as well, causing them to bump into you. It was accidental. Consider the difference in feelings you might have in […]
What Are You Looking At?
oo many times I hear people setting goals that revolve around avoiding something negative rather than approaching something positive. There is much to be said for the idea that the location of our focus determines that nature of our journey. Consider the following analogy. If you are running from a bear, the further you get from the bear, the less motivation you have to keep up your speed. When the bear is out of view, you may think that you have lost it and that you no longer need to run. You begin to walk and allow your body to rest. This leisurely pace gradually slows to a stop, as you sit and rest a while. You hear a crack in the bushes next to you and assume that it must be a deer or a squirrel. Then, you are horrified to see the bear emerge from the bushes, running full speed. You freeze. It is too late to begin running again. If you are running to your home, the closer you get to your home, the more motivation you have to maintain and even increase your speed. When your home is in view, or even around the corner, you […]
Cane Toads: Are We Solving Problems or Creating Problems?
n the early part of the 20th century, Australian farmers whose livelihood was based upon sugar cane found themselves struggling with a dilemma. Their precious crop was being devoured by beetles. The farmers did not know what to do about the problem until they learned of a species of toad whose tadpoles were poisonous to almost all other creatures. After seeing these toads used to successfully control the pest population in a few other countries, the Australian government decided that it would be a good idea to import just over 100 of these little helpers. They then conducted a study a year later to see if their plan was working and to their delight, they found that it was. The toads, now called Cane Toads, were eating the beetles that had been so bothersome to the farmers. The farmers were so enthused by the success that they then released approximately 62,000 more Cane Toads to Australia within the next year. This is where things began to get interesting. Not only did the farmers note that the Cane Toads were not very successful in getting rid of the beetles, they also realized that the Cane Toads were having another, unanticipated, impact. […]
Three Lessons I Learned From a Dog
hree of the most meaningful lessons I have ever learned, I learned from a dog. I was sitting outside a local coffee shop and observed a mother, a father, their young daughter, and the family dog take their places at a table. The dog’s eyes were trained intently on a muffin, held in the precarious grip of the toddler. The father instructed the dog to sit, which was completely ignored. The father repeated the instruction with more urgency but it had no more impact than the first attempt. The third attempt was delivered with intensity and volume and harshness, and finally the dog obeyed, slowly sitting on the sidewalk. The father then repeated the process, instructing the dog to lie down. Three times the command was given, with increasing intensity and harshness until finally there was compliance. Finally, after the dog had acquiesced and was lying at the father’s feet, he shouted one last command, for the dog to stay. What he did not notice throughout this process, even when the dog was reluctantly following orders, was that the dog’s eyes never left the muffin. Eventually, when no one was looking, and the muffin was unguarded, it became the dog’s […]
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