The purpose of this post is to introduce a new way of thinking about problematic behavior. Many of us struggle to curb thoughts or behaviors that are ineffective at best and destructively corrosive at worst. We try and try again, only to meet with failure. Most of us throw our hands up and either set about resigning ourselves to the seemingly inevitable disappointing outcome of our existence, or continue to push against the same brick wall, using the same approach that has already proven so ineffective. This is the cycle of pain. Kathryn Schulz, journalist and author spoke at a TED conference about the experience of being wrong. She asked participants in the audience to describe how it felt to be wrong. Predictable answers ensued, focusing on the theme of embarrassment or similar emotions. She then pointed out that this was the experience of discovering that you have made a mistake, not the experience of actually making the mistake. She stated that the actual act of being wrong carries with it no emotion of its own; it only carries the emotion and meaning that we give to it. I would take Schulz’s idea a step further and point out that […]
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From Shame to Compassion: A How-To Guide to Transforming Pain into Progress
From Shame to Compassion: A How-To Guide to Transforming Pain into Progress
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The Top Six Barriers to Seeking Help
The Top Six Barriers to Seeking Help
oday I’m going to be addressing the top six reasons why people who need help from a counsellor are reluctant to reach out and begin the process. These reasons are gleaned from my years of experience working with people who, after meeting, have asked themselves the question, “Why did I wait so long?” Time Most people would probably describe themselves as busy. Many of us actually are. We may have multiple jobs, multiple hobbies, and multiple children, and all of these entail multiple demands. However, if we take a good look at our schedules, we may find that a good percentage of our “busy” time could be spent much more productively. While I was working my way through university, I was employed by my school’s athletic department as an Academic Coach. Basically, my job was to help the student athletes avoid losing their academic eligibility to play for the sports teams. At the beginning of each semester, I would sit down with each athlete from each team and go over their course schedule, help them set goals, and if necessary teach them study skills and time-management skills. The most common reason I heard from the students to explain academic problems […]
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The Positive Outcome of Treatment for ADHD
The Positive Outcome of Treatment for ADHD
With enthusiastic permission of the client, I am posting a letter written to me regarding the change that has taken place in this individual’s life as a result of being adequately treated for a lifelong history of ADHD. This client was recently diagnosed as an adult (in his 40s). His comments are dramatic but also very typical of my clients who have sought help for ADHD. Feel free to share it with people you know. “Ever since I was a young boy, I had a feeling of emptiness, like I was missing something inside of me. I always felt like everything I did was wrong or not good enough. I would always get in trouble in school and at home. I couldn’t control my behaviors, my happiness, and my mouth. I felt less-than and unable to make anyone or myself happy. I was so bad that I hated myself and also thought the world would be a better place without me, almost to the point of not wanting to live. I used drugs later on to mask my feelings so I didn’t have to feel the way I did. As I’ve lived this way, my whole life and just accepted […]
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Online Pornography Addiction
Online Pornography Addiction
One of my specialties in counselling is the area of sexual addiction, most specifically pornography. If you or someone you know is struggling with this issue, please take the time to watch these two video clips. In addition, here is a link to a quick screening test. If what you see and hear triggers something inside you, please give me a call. There’s no need for shame, just a need for help and understanding.
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Living with ADHD
Living with ADHD
Here is an interesting documentary on ADHD. It shows some extreme cases and some situations that are very typical of a household with someone who struggles with ADHD. See if you can sit through the whole thing 🙂
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The Hidden Hero: What Harry Potter, Susan Boyle, and Oprah Winfrey Tell Us About Attachment
The Hidden Hero: What Harry Potter, Susan Boyle, and Oprah Winfrey Tell Us About Attachment
hen I was younger, I used to wander off into a fantasy land where I was loved and important. In my fantasy, everyone was grateful for my existence and was glad to know me or even associate with me. I don’t think I was alone in this fantasy but it begs the question, why was this my ultimate dream? What does it say about my perception of reality? And most importantly, what does any of this have to do with Harry potter? Harry Potter books, penned by one-time struggling single mom JK Rowling, are reported to have sold more than 450m copies worldwide. Consequently, Rowling’s financial status has grown from welfare recipient to billionaire. Perhaps seeing the success of the Potter series, other authors have built upon its framework. Series revolving around Percy Jackson and Charlie Bone have both capitalized on the same theme. However, despite the wild success of Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, and other similar series, they were not the first to exploit this theme. Earlier film series such as Star Wars also capitalized on what seems to be a societal resonance with the story of someone once thought to be unimportant, who in fact possesses unique gifts […]
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Validating Your Brain: The Epic Conclusion
Validating Your Brain: The Epic Conclusion
Click here for part 1 and part 2 Up to this point, my last two posts have tried to demonstrate a few key realizations: The brain is working primarily on an unconscious level. Because of this, we are rarely as aware of what we are doing and why as we would like to believe. The brain is well-intentioned and is trying to accomplish its sole purpose, surviving the moment. Because it is focused on surviving the moment, it will make decisions that favour short-term benefits EVERY SINGLE TIME, unless we override it. Because the brain operates primarily on the level of our unconscious, it usually communicates with our conscious brain indirectly. Often, it is trying to get our attention and we are not listening to it, which leads to the perpetuation of problem behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. If we learn to really listen to our brain, it will tell us everything we need to know. The final piece of this trilogy will attempt to focus on the final point I’ve listed above. Specifically, I’m going to be demonstrating how working together with your brain, instead of fighting against it, is the surest way to mental health and a better experience […]
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Validating Your Brain (Part 2)
Validating Your Brain (Part 2)
Read Part 1 here Keep in mind that your brain’s task is to survive the moment, not the long-term. Without fail, the automatic behaviors that our brain engages in are accomplishing this task. However, due to its lack of perspective, the brain does not have the ability to coordinate momentary survival with long-term survival. So when your brain is acting, thinking, and feeling on your behalf, what does it think is happening? When we experience automatic behavioral responses, what is the brain trying to tell us? Think of the following example. The next time you feel an itch on your skin (which will be fairly soon, given that I have now invited you to think about it), try to physically look at the area of your skin that is itchy but DO NOT ITCH IT! Just look at the itchy place. If you can’t physically see it, try to visualize it in your mind as vividly as possible. You may even want to visualize yourself itching it. I can almost guarantee that devoid of any foreign substance interference, if the itch is generated by your brain, looking at it alone will be sufficient intervention to remove it. Give it a […]
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Validating Your Brain (Part 1)
Validating Your Brain (Part 1)
rofessor Julie Baumberger, of Capella University, once told me “You are not your brain”. While to many, this statement may at first appear confusing, to me it made perfect sense. The fact that we are able to notice what we are noticing, to think about what we are thinking about (referred to as meta-thinking by hoity-toity academic types) seems to denote some separation between the physical and automatic processes of our lower brain centres and our higher brain centres. Some may take it further and say that it is evidence of the existence of some non-physical part of ourselves, whether it be a synergistic outcome of the firing of neurons or an intangible soul. That is an entirely different discussion and one that will not be tackled here. However, I would like to talk about Dr. Baumberger’s maxim and how we might apply it in a real way to improving our experience of our existence. First, we need to look at our brain and describe what it is and what its purpose is. If it is separate from me, are we on the same page? Do we want the same things? Do we have the same strategies by which we […]
Dr. Gabor Mate on ADHD (or ADD)
Dr. Gabor Mate expresses it very well. If you have questions, drop me a line.
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